The factories of the future will be staffed by 2 - a man and a dog.
The man will be there to take of the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching anything.
Never question a Drunk!
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42161
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
How to politely call someone a b*stard!
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation, and if
you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation, and if
you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Here is old age at its best.
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
On day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
On day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
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J. S. Bach
- Posts: 5820
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 9:30 pm
Re: Never question a Drunk!
HONDO74 wrote: ...snip...
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42161
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Now that is funny!
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
I'm reaching out on behalf of a buddy of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help!
Rich
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help!
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Subject: Warm Milk For Mother Superior
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave!"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Rich
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave!"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A fifth-grade teacher struggles to get her students to do their homework and participate in class. One Friday afternoon, just before her students are to leave for the weekend, she makes the following announcement:
“Each Friday I’m going to ask the class a question. The student who gives the correct answer will get an excused absence on Monday…everyone else must report to school as usual and have completed their weekend homework for grading.”
By the next Friday all of the students nervously wait for the question. The teacher, just before the buses arrive, asks “How many stars are in the Milky Way?”
Billy raises his hand and says “Five hundred thousand.”
“Wrong,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
“Twenty-five million,” another answers.
“Nope,” says the teacher.
“A billion,” says Wally.
“No, all wrong,” says the teacher. “Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
By the next Friday all of the students are trying to imagine what the topic will be and anxiously wait for the question. The teacher, just before the dismissal bell rings asks “How many pigeons live in New York City?”
“Twenty-five thousand,” Sally guesses.
“No,” says the teacher.
“Four billion,” says Jacob.
“Nope, nope, that’s wrong too.”
A few other kids raise their hands and give their guesses, but all are refuted by the teacher.
“Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
That weekend the students complete their homework and start trying to research what the question might be about this week.
Friday rolls around and as everyone is packing up to leave, the teacher asks “How many grains of sand would fill a five-gallon bucket?”
“Oh good grief, how should we know that?” one kid calls out in despair.
“Two hundred thousand,” answers Brady.
“Incorrect,” says the teacher.
“Twenty-two million,” says Suzanne.
“No, that’s wrong too,” says the teacher.
“A trillion!” Reggie guesses.
“Oh my, no,” says the teacher. “Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
Another week goes by and Friday afternoon finally arrives. The teacher is erasing the blackboard as the children pack up for the week.
Suddenly a huge spit-ball splatters against the wall just next to the teacher’s head.
“Who threw that?” she asks as she whips around.
“I did,” calls a voice from the back of the room. “See ya on Tuesday.”
“Each Friday I’m going to ask the class a question. The student who gives the correct answer will get an excused absence on Monday…everyone else must report to school as usual and have completed their weekend homework for grading.”
By the next Friday all of the students nervously wait for the question. The teacher, just before the buses arrive, asks “How many stars are in the Milky Way?”
Billy raises his hand and says “Five hundred thousand.”
“Wrong,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
“Twenty-five million,” another answers.
“Nope,” says the teacher.
“A billion,” says Wally.
“No, all wrong,” says the teacher. “Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
By the next Friday all of the students are trying to imagine what the topic will be and anxiously wait for the question. The teacher, just before the dismissal bell rings asks “How many pigeons live in New York City?”
“Twenty-five thousand,” Sally guesses.
“No,” says the teacher.
“Four billion,” says Jacob.
“Nope, nope, that’s wrong too.”
A few other kids raise their hands and give their guesses, but all are refuted by the teacher.
“Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
That weekend the students complete their homework and start trying to research what the question might be about this week.
Friday rolls around and as everyone is packing up to leave, the teacher asks “How many grains of sand would fill a five-gallon bucket?”
“Oh good grief, how should we know that?” one kid calls out in despair.
“Two hundred thousand,” answers Brady.
“Incorrect,” says the teacher.
“Twenty-two million,” says Suzanne.
“No, that’s wrong too,” says the teacher.
“A trillion!” Reggie guesses.
“Oh my, no,” says the teacher. “Complete your assignments and I’ll see you first thing on Monday.”
Another week goes by and Friday afternoon finally arrives. The teacher is erasing the blackboard as the children pack up for the week.
Suddenly a huge spit-ball splatters against the wall just next to the teacher’s head.
“Who threw that?” she asks as she whips around.
“I did,” calls a voice from the back of the room. “See ya on Tuesday.”
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Harley Chick
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Rich
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Rich
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42161
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Rufus T. Firefly wrote::shock:
Ditto Rufus.
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42161
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
An Ode to the Dawn
I woke up early this morning.
The earth lay cool and still, when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree, and so happy that slowly all my trouble began to slip away.
He sang of far off places of laughter and of fun that it seemed that his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers and crept slowly out of bed.
Then I gently shut the window and crushed his little head.
I'm not a morning person.
I woke up early this morning.
The earth lay cool and still, when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree, and so happy that slowly all my trouble began to slip away.
He sang of far off places of laughter and of fun that it seemed that his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers and crept slowly out of bed.
Then I gently shut the window and crushed his little head.
I'm not a morning person.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
I get quite a few "forwarded" emails from Roger that contain jokes so I thought i would post some of the good ones.
Robert
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring
voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You
aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one
of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering..........
"You're a veterinarian, you sick b$$$$$d."
Robert
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring
voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You
aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one
of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering..........
"You're a veterinarian, you sick b$$$$$d."
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42161
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Now, Daisy really is a very attractive sheep........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B94lP-fZyLk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCRE9qOgbug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B94lP-fZyLk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCRE9qOgbug
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
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