Never question a Drunk!

[rogruth]

Hondo,

You can post anything I send you,well almost anything,since I have never really learned how to do what you did above.

I'm referring to posting the joke.

[HONDO74]

More FUN from Roger.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it
considered rape or shoplifting? ~~~~~~~
Can you cry under water?
~~~~~~~
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
~~~~~~~
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only
a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going
to? ~~~~~~~
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity? ~~~~~~~
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
~~~~
What disease did cured ham actually have?
~~~~
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
~~~~
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours? ~~~~
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing? ~~~~
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
~~~~
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ~~~~
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway. ~~~~
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
~~~~
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
~~~~
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him? ~~~~
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
~~~~
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ~~~~
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
~~~~
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap
, why didn't he just buy dinner? ~~~~
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ~~~~
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons? ~~~~
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune? ~~~~
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
~~~~
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ***?
~~~~ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face
, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the
first place ?



"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have
for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the
vote."

[E7]

Gun Control


Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD

Rich

[E7]

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having Seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you,
you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost Unheard of here in the US , we
know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or Something and fix me up,
Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your
penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only
option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware
disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can We do? My
American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself...!"


Rich

[J. S. Bach]

...snip...
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself...!"
Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two lads were sitting at the bar.

"Here now, you're really slugging down the pints!" says the one.

"Found my wife in bed with me best friend..." was the response from his buddy.

"Damn! Whud you do?"

"Looked 'er straight in the eye and sed, "We're through! Get the the 'ell out!""

"Good show! I'm buying the next round!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Er...but what about yer best friend?"

"Oh, I just looked him straight in the eye and sed, "BAD DOG!""

[HONDO74]

*EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER*****

*Number 8*

*Life is sexually transmitted.**

**Number 7*

*Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.**

**Number 6*

*Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a
gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.**

**Number 5*

*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for
weeks, months, maybe years**

**Number 4*

*Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospitals, dying of nothing.**

**Number 3*

*All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.**

**Number 2*

*In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it
normal.**

**And The Number 1 Thought *

*Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers--what you do
today,
might burn your *** tomorrow.*****

*- - - and as someone recently said :**

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."**

[dougdagrump]

[HONDO74]

**A guy is driving around the back woods of**Montana and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.**


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.**
**
'Yep,' the Lab replies.**
**
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,
he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I**discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so... I told the CIA. **
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' *

*'I was one of their most valuable spies for **eight years
running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.*

*I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals.'*

*
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the
yard' *

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain burger and carefully cut it in half, place one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat a few bites of his part of the hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering, thinking, "that poor old couple - all they can afford is the one meal for the two of them".

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came over to their table and politely offered to buy them another meal.

The old man said that the were just fine and that they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table notices that the little old lady was not eating and was just sitting there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over a begged them to let him buy them another meal.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you. We are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man came over to the little old lady and asked, "What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,















"The teeth!"

[rogruth]

[E7]

An elderly couple, Pauline & Frank, were recently attending church services at The Villages in Florida .

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank .

The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Rich

[E7]

MEXICAN OYSTERS


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro,
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is
only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to
save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the
one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to
the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’


Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

To do List:

1) Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.

2) Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

3) Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.

4) Get into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

5) Major in Philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.

6) Run into a store and ask what year it is. When some one answers, yell, "It worked!" and run out cheering.

7) Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.

8.) Change name to Simon. Speak in 3rd person.

9) Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

10) Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.

[rogruth]

I like #1,2&6.